


The Girl Who Doesn't Talk

by bluetoast



Series: Angels and Ministers of Grace [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cold Weather, Coping, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Sharing a Bed, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8239294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluetoast/pseuds/bluetoast
Summary: Rey and Ben have been living together for two weeks, but they're still very much strangers to one another. They both know they need to stop being so. They're also both good at sticking to a plan; trouble is, neither of them agreed to come up with a plan together. They're more similar than they realize; even if their nightmares come from vastly different places. Written for HC Bingo - PTSD





	

\+ Rey Kenobi was tagged 'safe' in _The Crestfield Complex Fire_ (2 weeks ago)  
Poe Dameron, Finn Park,  & 75 other users liked this.

\+ Rey Kenobi is now friends with Ben Solo. (2 weeks ago)

\+ Rey Kenobi has added 7 new pictures to her album 'The Cat that Ate Chicago' (3 days ago)  
Ben Solo, Finn Park & 29 other users liked this.

Rey was half-awake when she heard a soft thump behind her and then felt small feet walking up her back. A moment later, a furry face pressed itself in the narrow space between her neck and her pillow and proceeded to purr right in her ear. How something so small could make a noise to rival a jet engine baffled her. The first time the cat had done so, she had fairly jumped out of bed, forgetting that she was in a new apartment and that there was a small animal now living with her. When she had sprang out of bed, she had tripped over her backpack, landed flat on her ass, and that overgrown puppy dog she called a roommate had been at her door in panic, worried she'd hit her head.

Okay, maybe she was being a little hard on Ben. It wasn't that his concerned nature was bothersome; it was just unfamiliar.

Evidently not content with being on the outside of the covers, Arya wormed her way under the comforter, smacking the other occupant of the bed in the face with her tail as she did so. “And you're the one with a personal fur coat.” She grumbled and opened her eyes, glaring at her alarm clock. It was just after seven in the morning. 

She lifted up the bedclothes, looking down at the cat who had settled near her feet. “I don't suppose I can convince you to make the bed for a change?” She slid out of bed, pulling on a sweatshirt and her socks from where she had discarded them before getting into bed last night. It was the start of Thanksgiving Break and two of her professors had scheduled exams for today, most likely as a deterrent to keep people from cutting class. She could hear Ben in the bathroom, the starting to become familiar sounds of his razor tapping against the sink, the rush of water, and the way the last thing he always did before leaving that room was blow his nose. Rey ducked into the kitchen and picked up her coffee mug from the drying rack next to the sink. 

“Morning.” Ben mumbled as he came into the kitchen, grabbing a box of cereal from the pantry and the milk from the fridge.

“No conversation before coffee.” She replied, rubbing her eyes. “Not unless you're willing to go take my Psychology exam.” 

“If it means you'll go present my paper on the merits of the recent surge of post-apocalyptic young adult novels, you got it.” He cringed as he set the bowl on the long counter and poured out his cereal. “Well, at least it wasn't vampires.” 

Rey chuckled and picked one of the coffee pods out of the basket. “I have a shift at the store after classes.” She yawned. “We need anything?”

“I don't believe so.” He grabbed a spoon out of the drawer and leaned against the counter as he ate. “You work Thursday?”

“I volunteered, I knew we weren't planning anything.” She stuck her mug under the dispenser and hit the brew button. “You?”

“The fun filled three-to eight shift, better known as the 'I'm sorry you have to work on the holiday' shift.” He grumbled. “Then turn right around and come back for the eight to noon on Black Friday.” He gave her a slight grin. “But hey, time and a half, right?”

“Time and a half.” Rey replied, pulling her now full mug and took and took a large sip of coffee. “That's better.” She leaned against the other counter, her mind shifting to her exam and the terms she'd spent the last night going over. “Do you really have that many people ordering custom frames for Christmas?”

He nodded. “It's the biggest holiday for it, followed by Mother's Day. Of course then, it's mostly photographs.” He scratched his nose, his focus on his cereal. “You see enough of them, you start to see the body language of families that are generally happy and those that are putting up a good front.” 

She nodded as she took another sip of coffee. From the window next to her, she could see the iron gray sky that heralded another bout of snow, most likely before the morning was out. The store would be a mad house by the time she got there. One would think that the natives would be used to this kind of weather and would plan accordingly. “Glad I don't work at the airport.” 

“If there's one place that knows how to handle what nature sends our way, it's the ground crew of O'Hare. They're probably salting the runways as we speak.” He tilted the bowl up finish off the milk. “I have a friend who got stuck in Tokyo for sixteen hours over half an inch of snow.” 

Rey chuckled. “Seriously? Half an inch?” She shook her head as she took another sip from her mug, heading back up towards the entrance of the room. “then again, Houston would probably do the exact same thing.”

“What, not enough horses to plow the runway?” He smirked and she poked him in the arm. “I'm kidding!”

“I'd like to see you handle a hurricane warning.” She retorted, annoyed, as she swept past him. Ben could be downright insufferable when he wanted to be. He probably thought it was cute, but really – it wasn't. Well, okay, maybe just a little. 

“Hurricanes Alan, Ingrid and Tropical Storm Keith.” He replied and she had to bite her lip keep herself from shooting back several names of storms she'd had to evacuate for – starting with Francis. Instead, she glared at him and went back to her room to get ready for the day. They might have been living together for two weeks, knew how each other took their coffee, what they liked for breakfast, their brand of tooth paste and soap, and if she added up all the classes, she's seen him naked eleven times, but they still were very much strangers to one another. 

Rey went over to her window, both hands wrapped around her mug, absently wondering if Lake Michigan was as gray as the sky right now. She wasn't a fan of holidays, so she certainly didn't mind working on them. Last Thanksgiving was unquestionably the best one of her life; Poe had invited both her and Finn to dinner at his house. There had been more food than she could have possibly imagined at one meal; the table was practically groaning under the dishes. She wouldn't mind being back at the Dameron house right about now. 

“Rey?” Ben knocked on her door and she turned. “I'm heading out. Good luck on your tests.” 

“Thanks.” She gave him a small smile. “See you tonight. Sure you don't want to take my psych exam?”

He shook his head. “I had the same professor you did, she'll know.” He chuckled and walked away. She heard him unlock the door and then go out, followed by the familiar click of him re-locking it. 

She took another drink as Arya slipped out of the blankets and padded out of the room. “Hey, fuzzball, it's your turn to make that!”

*

+Ben Solo is interested in an event: New Years Eve @ CAI (3 weeks ago)  
Luke Skywalker & 3 others liked this

+Ben Solo is now friends with Poe Dameron and Finn Park (2 weeks ago)  
Rey Kenobi and Luke Skywalker liked this

+Ben Solo was tagged in the album “The Cat That Ate Chicago” (2 days ago)

Ben kept his focus on his hands as the office door clicked open and Doctor Andres shuffled into the room, and there was a rustling sound as he settled himself on the other side of the desk. It'd been almost three months since he'd been here, and he would have liked to make it longer, but years of mental illness had left him knowing when he was heading for another episode; and Ben wasn't about to turn into a wreck because his brain was about ready to break down. He had too much going on with his life now. “Morning.” 

“Good morning, Ben. How's Arya?” God bless Doctor Andres who never asked how he was feeling. He instead asked simpler questions.

“Arya's fine, although I'm starting to suspect she likes my roommate more than me.” He looked up. “Yeah, I have a roommate now.” 

“That's an improvement. When did this happen?” He took a drink from his coffee mug and scribbled something on the notepad in front of him. 

“Two weeks ago.” He took a deep breath. “It was sort of impulsive, but ah... my mother called and mentioned Armitage was coming to Chicago, and she knew I had room.” 

The doctor looked at him over his glasses. “What's your roommate like?”

“We really haven't gotten to know each other all that well.” He scratched his nose. “She ah.. she'd been evicted from her apartment...” He saw the eyebrow raise. “I mean, I didn't know it at first. I was just there, in the art building, and there was this scrawny, freckled girl with the most despondent look on her face, like the world was about to fall apart.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Honestly, it was almost like how it was when I went into the animal shelter and got Arya.” He bit at his bottom lip. “I think she's still sort of in shock. The same night she moved in, her old complex burned down.” 

“That would be difficult for anyone to process. I'm glad that your friend is safe and sound. Have you spoken with any of her friends?” He scribbled something else and Ben would have loved to have known what he was writing.

“Does Facebook count?” He shifted in his seat. “I mean, from what I can tell, they seem decent.” 

“Has she inquired after friends of yours?” He did that annoying over the glasses thing again.

“I told her they all moved away, got married, went to another school for further education.” Ben turned his attention back to his hands. “I know I've been on an up lately, but with the holidays, I know I'm heading for a down, so that's why I'm here. To either transition into it gracefully, or stop it, or whatever it is I'm supposed to gain by coming for a visit.” 

“Just being in here is always a major step, I've been telling you this for as long as I've been treating you.” He sat back. “What's your roommate's name?”

“Rey. She's an art major.” He went slightly pink. “She's in that class I said I was going to model for. That's sort of how we met.” 

“How many more classes do you have for that?” He rested his elbows on the desk, his chin on his folded fingers. “Does it bother you?”

“Sitting naked in front of a bunch of people? Not really. And there's only six more classes.” He took a breath. “Although it's a little awkward when Rey and I see each other later in the day.” 

“Understandable.” His eyes narrowed slightly, and Ben knew what was coming, so he chose to answer before the question could be presented.

“No, I haven't slept with her. Yes, I've thought about it.” He gave the doctor a glare. “I know better than to act on it. I wouldn't hurt Rey like that. Not when I know how it feels.” 

“Ben, thinking is one thing, and I won't insult you by saying it's natural.” He sat back, picking up the pad and the pen. “How old is Rey?”

“Nineteen.” He sat forward, keeping his focus on the ball of his thumb. “She knows my age too.” He tried to keep the defensiveness out of his voice. 

“I'm not here to lecture you, I'm here to listen.” He scribbled something again. “Given your history, you should tell her about your condition. What do her parents say about her living with you?”

“They're dead.” It was one of the first things Rey had told him; she'd had a complete and total crying breakdown the night of the fire, blubbering something about how if she'd died, almost no one would care. It'd been heartbreaking. It'd be two weeks tomorrow and he kept expecting her to crack again. “She grew up in the foster care system.” 

“Hmm.” He frowned. “Then it's all the more important that you tell her. She should at least know how to get a hold of your uncle, should something happen.” 

“I haven't had an episode that bad in years. Not since high school.” He let out a breath. “But I see your point.” He looked across the desk. “I'll do it tonight, after we're both home.” He managed a ghost of a smile. “We probably need to sit and have a good 'getting to know you' conversation anyway.” He chuckled. “Unfortunately, someone's already warned her against playing Scrabble with someone who majored in English.”

The doctor sat forward. “All right then. I want you to come back and see me next week. Can you come on Wednesday, at four thirty?”

Ben thought over his schedule, and then nodded. “I'll be here.” He knew he sounded like some damn eager to please kid when he said things like that, but he'd spent years having to perform that role. To pretend that nothing was wrong when really, everything was. He stood up, picking up his coat and backpack. 

“Okay Ben. You have a nice Thanksgiving.” He set down the notepad. “And what aren't we going to be doing today?” 

He straightened his shoulders, and lifted his chin. “I'm not going to kill myself, because I never wanted to kill myself. I just hate feeling like I should.” He grinned. “You have a nice holiday, and I'll see you next week.” 

*  
\+ Rey Kenobi has a friend request from Luke Skywalker (1 Mutual Friend)

The words _mandatory counseling_ reminded Rey of another pair of words she despised – _social worker_. Every single student with a connection to the Crestfield fire had been informed by their advisers that they needed to at least go and _talk_ to someone about what happened. Yeah, she'd done plenty of talking in the past. She spent the first five years in foster care wondering if something was wrong with her and that's why none of her foster parents ever wanted to keep her, and the following eight determined to get out of Houston, out of Texas, and do something with her life. 

She didn't have to pay for the visit, but she knew that somewhere in the paperwork, the psychologists and the psychiatrists who volunteered for this were getting some kind of kickback. No doubt she and the others' fees were most likely relegated to a 'charitable donation' on their tax returns. She'd already cried herself out on the couch in the apartment, sobbing into Ben's shoulder. It'd been ugly and in the morning, she'd been mortified at her actions. Rey Kenobi did not have breakdowns, she kept her wits about her and her emotions buried. Especially around people she barely knew. 

Right now, the current stranger was Doctor Angela Wainwright, who was merely watching her from the other side of the desk, and Rey decided to do what she always did; she pulled out her small sketchbook, a pencil and began doodling. “I was only really shaken up the night of the fire. I'd moved out just around three hours before the fire occurred.” She didn't look at the woman. “I think the eviction notice I'd gotten three days prior to the fire was worse.” 

“You're one of the lucky ones, Rey. Most of the residents lost everything they had.” Rey looked up to see the woman shift in her seat. “How do you like Chicago?”

“It's cold, windy, and I love the pizza.” She paused, thinking her statement over. “I like my roommate, but I swear, I think he might be obsessive compulsive, because he's the cleanest guy I've ever met.” She looked back at the paper. “It's not a problem if he is, but maybe it's because we don't know each other all that well.” She shot a glare at the woman. “And don't start on the sexual attraction questions, because I'm positive he's gay, despite what he says, and he's just so far in the closet, he's having tea with Mr Tumnus in Narnia.”

“His sexual orientation has no bearing on any attraction you might have to him.” Her tone was neutral; and Rey couldn't decide if the doctor meant it to placate or get her to open up more. “Have you considered that perhaps he isn't gay and is instead a man who is respectful of other people's privacy and barriers?”

She opened up her mouth to issue a retort, but then paused, turning the woman's words over in her mind. Ben rarely talked about himself; but gleaned enough from his few comments that his life before coming to Chicago hadn't exactly been ideal. She cursed inwardly, then took a breath. “I'm not used to knowing guys as decent as Ben without them being gay. I'm the sort of person good things don't happen to, I mean, not consecutively.” She turned her attention back her doodling.

She saw Doctor Wainwright lift her chin out of the corner of her eye. “I am not entirely certain of how things work between you and your roommate. I do know that you're worried about upsetting the delicate balance you two have. Does he know you're here?”

“The whole damn campus knows about the mandatory counseling. It's hard to keep it a secret when there's that many people involved.” She frowned at her drawing, then looked back at the doctor. “look, about the fire, I didn't lose anything. I was a little more freaked that I could have _died_ than anything else. I went through seven foster homes in five months when I was thirteen, I can handle the whole displacement and moving thing in my sleep.” 

The woman scribbled something on the pad of paper in front of her. “Rey, you're not Catholic, correct?”

“I'm Agnostic.” She tucked her pencil the spiral of the sketchbook and folded her arms, “just because I go to a Catholic University doesn't mean I'm Catholic.”

“Why are you at De Paul, Rey? It seems an odd choice for a system-raised girl from Houston.” The woman had a curious smile on her face. 

“My grandparents on both sides and my parents went here. I may not remember them all that well, but I knew I had to go to the same school. I just...” She took a breath. “I know it won't bring them back, but it's sort of... it's like connecting with them. Same buildings, same trees, same paths that they walked.” A thought suddenly came to Rey. “Ben told me his grandparents went there too.” She let out a weak chuckle. “Who knows, maybe they all used to hang out together in a study group, or something.” She rubbed her temple. “I haven't told him that.” 

“Then I'm not the one you need to be talking to, Rey. You need to have a good long talk with Ben.” Her smile became more certain. “Do you think you can do that?”

She nodded. “We keep meaning to sit down and have a decent dinner. Maybe tonight we could do that, or tomorrow, after we both get off work.” 

“You sound like a girl who is good at planning. Make a plan for this. Stick to it.” She set her pen down, then glanced at her watch. “Anything else you want to discuss, Rey? We still have half an hour.” 

She shook her head. “I think I'd rather use the time to get to work, if that's all right. The sky looks ready to burst at any moment and I'd rather get stuck at work than on L.” She stuffed her book into her bag, “in all my dreams of going to De Paul, I sort of forgot about the weather I'd find up here.” She chuckled as she stood to pull on her coat. “And thank you.”

“You're welcome Rey. Have a nice break.” She rose and walked her over to the door. 

“You have a good holiday.” She answered, shouldering her bag. She was thankful that the woman hadn't told her to have a nice Thanksgiving. Maybe Doctor Wainwright knew she was the kind of person who wasn't a fan of holidays.

*

\+ Ben Solo liked Simon & Schuster Publishing Company

Ben glanced at the clock as he pulled the fries out of the oven, setting the cookie sheet on the stove so he could turn the potatoes over before they continued to cook. He wasn't certain what Rey would say when she returned home and found out that he'd asked Finn what her favorite cut of fries were. While he knew there wasn't much difference between the types, some were just better than others. He returned the potatoes to the oven, shutting the door just as the door to the apartment opened. “Hello.” 

“It's awful out there!” Rey called. “It makes me cringe to think what December is going to be like!” There were several thumps from the other room. “Are you cooking dinner?”

“Yes, you okay with sausage, salad, and fries?” He went to the doorway of the kitchen, looking out into the main room, just in time to see her take her backpack to her room. 

“Sounds great!” Her voice was slightly muffled by the door. “Arya, you were supposed to make the bed!”

Ben chuckled. “Give it up, I still can't get her to take out the trash.” He shook his head as her door opened and both she and the cat came out. “How was work?” He went back to the stove. 

“Hell.” She came into the kitchen and went over to the coffee pot, picking up her mug and a hot chocolate pod. “I'm just glad we didn't run out of turkeys.” 

He kept his focus on the skillet of sausage. “How'd the exams go?” He poked at the meat with a fork, not certain how to start the conversation he knew they needed to have – so he would stick to safe subjects to start.

She worked on making her hot chocolate. “I think the psych exam went better than the chemistry one.” Rey's nose wrinkled. “Why do we have to take all these stupid general education classes? Didn't we just spend high school doing that?”

“I have no idea, Rey.” He turned the meat over. “I've been finished with those courses for around three years.” 

“I'll set the table, since you're cooking.” She gave him a worn smile and padded out of the kitchen. “What's the worst winter month here? I want to be prepared.” She came back into the room, opened the fridge and took out the ketchup and a bottle of salad dressing.

“February.” He answered, grinning. “It's like August, but inverted.” 

“I personally thought August was lovely with its mild ninety-seven heat index. Would you care to try a hundred and seven?” She shut the fridge door with her hip and went back into the other room.

“That's July, and we have asphalt.” He retorted, and then he heard the unmistakable sound of a plate shattering against the floor. “Rey?” Ben turned off the stove, moved the pan and went into the main room. “You didn't cut yourself, did you?” He stopped short, taken aback at the girl standing on the far side of the room, her face completely ashen, staring at a broken plate like it was a corpse. “Rey?” He took another step towards her and Rey backed away, not stopping until she met the wall.

“I'm sorry.” She rasped, the look of sheer terror in her eyes was horrifying. He looked from her to the five pieces of plate, it wouldn't take that long to repair. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” This was worse than the fire the night Rey moved in. 

He crossed the room in four strides, hoping that he was imagining her cowering away from him, as she curled up in a fetal position, her hands purposefully coming up to guard her head and face. Ben set his hands on her shoulders, keeping his voice calm. “Rey, it's fine. I'm not upset, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?” His fingers brushed her scalp and she cringed. 

She was trembling, and her eyes were oddly vacant as her hands slid away. “It won't happen again, I promise, it was an accident, please, I won't do it again, don't send me away, I want to stay here, it's nicer here than anywhere I've been, please...” 

Ben kept one hand on her shoulder, and set the other on her cheek. “Rey, look at me.” He could feel her panic, and he knew he had to calm her down. “Please?”

Slowly, Rey's eyes shifted, meeting his. “Don't send me away.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I love being here.”

“I'm not going to send you away.” His tone was even, and he kept his voice as calm as possible. “Did you cut yourself when the plate fell?”

“Nn...no.” She gulped. “I'm sorry... I didn't mean...”

“I know you didn't mean to drop the plate, Rey. It was an accident, these things happen.” He gave her a small smile, helping her to her feet and guiding her over to the table. “I want you to sit here, take a few deep breaths, all right? Don't worry about the plate.” He let out a breath. “Drink your hot chocolate, okay? I'll take care of everything.” 

She nodded, the panic still not completely gone from her face. “O...okay.”

He touched her cheek. “It's going to be fine. Dinner's almost ready.” 

“I still get to eat?” She blinked several times. “But I...” 

“Enough about the bloody plate! You're not Harry Potter and this isn't the Dursleys!” Ben regretted shouting the minute he stopped at the look on her face. That chalk white expression was horrifying; and her eyes were once again, wide and terrified. “Rey...”

Her voice came out in a squeak; then, her entire face broke as she began to laugh. Not a wretched, hysterical laugh, but a deeper, genuinely amused chuckle. “You are an impossibility.” 

He raised an eyebrow, confused. “I'm a what?”

“An impossibility.” She shook her head, grinning. “Guys like you don't exist.”

Ben shook his head, still not having any idea what she was talking about. “Well, this impossibility is going to go get dinner out of the oven, and you're going to sit there and drink your hot chocolate.” He knelt down, picked up the broken china, then went back into the kitchen. Clearly, the conversation they needed to have would have to be put off again. 

*

Rey huddled under the thick comforter, sleep the only thing she wanted and she knew it wasn't happening any time soon. She could make out the opening theme of _Game of Thrones_ above her in apartment 18-A, almost lost to the wind roaring against the building. She tilted her head to look out the window, seeing nothing but darkness and snow, the mere sight of it caused her to shiver and burrow deeper into her bed covers. The broken plate had been an accident, and she knew that – but she'd thought her days of panic attacks and the fear of being 'returned' over a minor mistake – and she knew it was minor – wouldn't let her go. 

Ben was smart enough to figure out she'd been abused in more than one foster home. While she knew she couldn't keep it a secret forever, she would have liked for him to find out in a more graceful manner. 

There was something about her roommate, however, that didn't add up in her mind. 

Ben was the kind of person that, in her mind, deserved to be popular and loved, with friends and a family that adored him. Instead, he seemed to be alone and that well – that just didn't even up in Rey's mind. He reminded her of Poe, who always had his arms out in welcome and everyone thought he was wonderful. Rey counted herself lucky to be one of Dameron's good friends. Ben had told her that all of his friends had left Chicago, but he seemed to have forgotten that he'd friended her on Facebook – and she'd seen the size of his friend's list.

Maybe it was stupid, to judge someone by their Facebook – but it made her feel queasy. Maybe she wasn't the only person in this apartment who'd known pain brought on by someone else's anger and hate.

She turned back over, focusing on the sounds of the apartment, hearing the faint clunk of the heater kicking on, followed by a creak of the door to Ben's study, and the soft jangling of the bell on Arya's collar as she patrolled her home. “Silly cat.” She heard another door, this one of her art room creak and Rey sat up, deciding that she wasn't going to get any sleep lying here alone. Climbing out of bed, she hugged her pillow to herself and padded out of her room and into the hallway, standing outside of Ben's room, not certain if she should knock; he might be asleep – then she realized she couldn't hear his familiar snores. “Ben?” She wrapped her knuckles on the door, then nudged it open with her foot. “Are you asleep?”

Ben was lying with his back to her, and she could see his disheveled hair sticking out from under the covers. “Is something wrong, Rey?”

She went into his room, a place she'd only been in once in the short time she'd been living here. How wrong was it for a guy's room to be saturated with the smell of clean laundry? “You can't sleep either, can you?”

He let out a long breath. “No.” He turned over and threw back the covers on her side of the bed, and she slipped under the bed clothes, tucking her pillow under her chin, watching him as he tucked the blanket over her. “Warm enough?”

She nodded. “Thanks.” She took a deep breath. “Not all my foster homes were bad... just – some were worse than others.” She managed a small smile. “I survived and I like to think I'm the stronger for it.” 

“You're an extremely strong person, Rey. I also know you're pretty driven.” He shifted so his pillow was under his chin, his hand next to his face. “And it's also been a stressful few weeks.” 

Rey had to clench her hand against her to keep from reaching out and brushing his hair from his face. “I overreacted, that's all.” She closed her eyes, trying not to think how the comforter smelled like him. She still hadn't decided what exactly it reminded her of. “All right, maybe that's not entirely true.” When she opened her eyes, she met his gaze. “I'm not used to good things happening to me without something bad following it.” 

He blinked at her and then his hand reached over, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “So you're merely waiting for that proverbial second shoe to fall.” The tips of his fingers lingered next to her head for a moment, then he pulled his arm back, rather quickly, she noted. 

“Something like that.” She shifted closer to him, setting her formerly clenched fingers against his scarred cheek. “I just don't understand you, Ben. I don't understand how someone as genuine and compassionate as you can exist.” Her fingers lingered on his jaw. “I meant what I said about you being an impossibility.” She pulled her hand away and she saw the flicker of sadness in his eyes when she did. He'd wanted the contact to continue.

“When I was little, maybe six or seven, my grandmother told me that being kind was a choice. I didn't realize that it was optional.” something in his eyes changed. “She said that kindness would not guarantee happiness, it wouldn't make people like you, and it most likely wouldn't make you rich. She also said whatever you choose to be, it will affect everything you do. She told me that it's harder to be kind, because most people would rather be cruel.”

Rey felt the corners of her mouth twitch. “I know all to well about the cruel.” She also knew what he was telling her; but it didn't explain why he chose to be the person he was. “Growing up how I did, compassion was rare, and if you showed it, people exploited you.” 

“It's like that everywhere, just the ways it appears varies.” He rubbed at his nose. “I chose to be kind because of what cruelty does to people is agony. I remember one time I was selected to be a team leader in gym class. We were playing kick ball. Rather than select the best athletes in class, I picked the kids who were usually called up last.”

“Let me guess, you and your team got trounced and all the good players on your team were pissed.” She smiled. “But the kids who you chose first were thrilled, despite the loss.”

Ben returned the expression. “Yeah. The bruises I had from playing were worth it to see the expressions on their faces, even if it was just for one day out of thousands of school days.” His smile faded. “See, when I told you all my good friends were elsewhere, I wasn't entirely true about where they are.” His eyes closed and Rey could see the pain on his face, and she reached out again, her heart clenching, as a tear slipped from his eye. “I'm a wreck, Rey. A manic depressive wreck with three dead best friends, and I'm really good at hiding it.” 

“You're not a wreck, Ben Solo.” She smoothed down his hair, starting to wonder just had led to him being struck by a car this past summer. 

“Are you kidding?” He let out a weak laugh. “What you've seen of me is me in good condition.” 

“If that's the case, then we need to teach Arya how to dial 911 in case you ever break down and I have a panic attack at the same time.” It was flippant and she knew it, but it had the desired affect as he let out a chuckle.

“We don't need to do that, we just have to teach her how to turn up the volume on the television.” He quipped, then leaned over, kissing her forehead. “We both have to be at work at ten, we should get some sleep.” He pulled away, smiling as he closed his eyes. “Good night.” 

“Night.” She watched him for a few moments more, before shutting her eyes, tucking herself into her usual sleeping position, even if it left her back to Ben. After what he'd just told her, she was certain that sleep would remain as elusive as it had seemed when she first got into her bed two hours ago. It surprised her that rest found her as swiftly it did.

When Rey woke up hours later, she found herself wrapped in a cocoon of warmth, her head tucked under Ben's chin, and his arm hugging her to him. She could hear the steady beat of his heart right against her ear, and for the first time since she could remember, she felt completely safe.

**Author's Note:**

> The story about getting stranded in Tokyo that Ben mentions is actually true. This happened to my sister and brother in law almost 11 years ago.


End file.
